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From Pain To Understanding — The Story Of My First Eighteen Stories

The first of the three most important stories in the life of twenty three years old me. This story is about how I transformed an enormous inner pain from the unfulfilled expectations for my own good and found out, to whom I need to give love in the first place.

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I look at the photograph, which I took on the fifth of July, 2018 — the first day of my new life. I intentionally shaved my hair several times in my life — that one was the last time, and I needed major changes the most back then. I am not talking about rebirth in the literal sense — but then, I definitely began to create myself from anew from the inside. When I shaved my head and took this photo, I promised myself, that someday, I will share it with you — when I am ready for this: such photos show, that we are both weak and unattractive to others sometimes; that we have moments of despair; that there are stories in our lives, which we share much later or share never at all. That we are afraid to be rejected. But I am no longer afraid, and I recognize everything, that I wrote above, in my life. ¿All of this happens to all people at least once — but what to do about it? Everyone chooses for himself — and I chose to share both this photo and the story of my first eighteen stories. I either do not need people, who reject me, — my appearance, my life path, does not matter — and pity with compassion: I shared this with you, because I believe, that it can help someone, if I show real myself and the part of my life story without any distortions. — Other photos and the story itself — here: https://en.vavndorokhin.com/blog/2019/10/03/from_pain_to_understanding_-_the_story_of_my_first_eighteen_stories/

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Now, it does not matter to me, who is it — the loyal and supportive person in front of me or… you — the person, who once betrayed my trust, and then, regretfully, began to follow my life with enviable regularity. You can unsuccessfully try to justify yourself, but I definitely know everyone, — everyone — who follows my life, and I know about you too: secrecy did not help.

From the fourteenth of November to the twenty third of September, I shared seventeen stories with you — the eighteenth will be as the ending of the most eventful period in my life — from pain to understanding.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin at that day.
1. 2018/11/14 — «The Beginning»: «A year and a half ago, I came back to the Samara city and deliberately made a pause in making music: I wanted to spend time with the people, who are very dear to me, and truly understand, what I want.»

The first story occurred on the fourteenth of November. I was preparing for this day: it was supposed to be the starting point. An hour before publication, I took a pre-bought whatman paper, a bottle of paint, and wrote the phrase, which I am now guided by — «I WANT TO LIVE». Inside, I was torning apart from pain, so I spent days and nights at work— and created a website from scratch, on which I published the first story.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin during the process of shooting his first video.
2. 2018/12/14 — Vavn Dorokhin — 14 14: «The idea to shoot the video came to me suddenly, and it completely reflects my conditions at that time — the desire for sudden, but decisive actions.»

The second — on the fourteenth of December. I wanted to record the video spontaneously — but placed a microphone, a guitar, and a loop machine on purpose, because I realized, that I would begin to create and perform again. The video is called «14 14», because the day of my starting point coincided with the birthday of one of the people, who betrayed me — I did not record this video for the person, as I did not follow this person’s life, but the emotional attachment was not yet broken: it was hurting every day.

The photograph of my drawing on the topic of social media «likes».
3. 2019/02/14 — «¿Are Social Networks Social Today?»: «I use social networks and share my works and thoughts with you for the third month — before this, I actively used social networks one year ago, when I lived in the Saint Petersburg city, and even earlier — seven years ago.»

The third — on the fourteenth of February. The third month gone, since I started using social networks — before that, there were breaks of a year and seven years — and I wanted to leave a mark in the history of subscribers differently — not for the sake of «likes». To do this, I published something else every time, edited, deleted everything cleanly, asked the opinion of each subscriber, analyzed it — and came to what have now and what distinguishes me from most similar authors.

The photograph of the moving tram.
4. 2019/02/20 — Vavn Dorokhin — Sorry, Friend: «One hour left. The wagon of a moving tram was not the best place to formulate thoughts, but he wanted to get in time no matter what. He took out a rumpled notebook and pen from his backpack and began to write…»

The fourth — on the twentieth of February. The first song after a year of silence — it is dedicated to my acquaintances and the «friends», who used my help — because I, without understanding, allowed it. I finished the text on the tram, — where the photograph was taken from — and the whole song was recorded on one microphone. When I published the song, I shared it with everyone I could — three thousands people heard the song. And then, the person sent me a message — it was an attempt to establish communication after the betrayal of my trust. The message was prepared, edited — but I had already begun to realize my strength, and I have already been unstoppable.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin's current apartment's entrance.
5. 2019/03/01 — The New Chapter: «Three and a half months have passed — for some, this period of time may seem insignificant, — lived and forgotten — but for me, it was full of joy and bitterness, its successes and failures…»

The fifth — on the first of March. I was engaged in tutoring and other deeds from morning to night — without the right to rest, at the peak of opportunities. The result was a psychological time bomb. I did not want breakdowns, so I had to change something.

Vavn Dorokhin at the Pushkin Square in the Samara city.
6. 2019/03/13 — «The Importance Of Planning — Does Not Matter, Where»: «At the first time, I wanted to publish this post on Sunday. Then, I decided to prepare it properly on Monday. After Monday, it was decided to do it on Tuesday. Today is Wednesday, and this is directly connected with the main theme of the post.»

The sixth — on the thirteenth of March. I bought my first DSLR camera using my own money — dreams of the producing service were no longer just dreams. Then, I discovered a workshop news post with a competition opportunity from a professional video production team — and I decided to take part and do everything to win. Snow, the city center — and me with two backpacks on my back, first taking photos for four hours in a row, and then going to the students for classes. As a result, I won the competition.

The photograph from the protest meeting on the fifth of May, 2018.
7. 2019/03/17 — «Paints With Dirt»: «Today, I read two Russian-language articles — from «Meduza» and «Radio Liberty» — about the real situation in the village of Tomsino in the Pskov Region— a twelve-year-old girl wrote a letter to Putin. There has been no response from the Kremlin, local officials refused to help, and the girl and her mother’s own fellow villagers began to mock them.»

The seventh — on the seventeenth of March. Impressed by an article about a baited girl who wrote a letter to Vladimir Putin, the President of the Russian Federation, I decided to recall and share my story of a public struggle for civil rights and freedoms. After everything I went through, the rage from the actions of the current Russian government transformed to a calm analysis. They know about this post — and still follow my activity. The same for me — I still do not support the current Russian government.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin from Fil Yegorov's birthday party at the «MOON10» recording studio.
8. 2019/04/13 — «The Last Three Months»: «The blog post, which I wrote three months till the year of starting my new life — my last three months.»

The eighth — on the thirteenth of April. Three months before the year after my new life, I still had a psychological breakdown. Too much pressure on myself — and a broken phone and minus weekly earnings as a result. I became aggressive again — and although I have already achieved a lot, it was time to change.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin lying on the synthesizer.
9. 2019/05/15 — Vavn Dorokhin — 15 15: «I decided to prove, that achieving your dreams is about the environment, relevant knowledge, and your true will — by my own story.»

The ninth — on the fifteenth of May. Finally, I realized, what I want to do in my life — for twenty years, I tried a lot, but it was creativity with performances and producing, that determined my further development. It became even a little exciting, — am I sure of my choice, have not I been in a hurry? — but I really wanted to share my joy of discovery with everyone, which I did in my video story. It is called «15 15», because the joy of discovery came a month before my twenty third birthday: both dates are the fifteenth.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin playing the synthesizer.
10. 2019/05/28 — «Thank You: You Gave Me Experience»: «¡I want to thank you for your attention, support, and comments to my works! I notice your every reaction — by collecting all the experience, I critically analyzed everything I did, I am doing, and what I will do. Your activity makes my works better.»

The tenth — on the twenty eighth of May. The efforts began to be justified: more and more people began to follow my publications, share their opinions with me, and thank me for them. It is a wonderful feeling, that you are doing this for good reason. ¡So I decided to thank my subscribers!

The photograph of the view towards the Kremlin near the Russian State Library with Vavn Dorokhin.
11. 2019/06/29 — «The Trip To The Capital»: «Fortunately, I had some deeds to complete for two and a half days in Moscow, so I used the chance and decided to see Moscow through my own perspective for the first time — and share it via the blog post with the photographs and commentaries with you.»

The eleventh — on the twenty ninth of June. My first trip to Moscow for two days — I had to get a visa at the US Embassy in order to go for a few months to work and travel around the United States and return. A lot of money was at stake — all of my savings — and big risks: the US Embassy representatives could refuse me. But I wanted to realize my dream at all costs, so at first, I was nervous, even despite all the preparations for interview. But I got my visa — and I am writing these lines from Philadelphia.

The photograph of tired Vavn Dorokhin after the three flights in a row, but so happy.
12. 2019/07/01 — «I Have Done It, United States»: «Yes, I have finally done it — after several months of hard work in order to achieve it, I am finally in the United States to gain an invaluable experience in both live and work…»

The twelfth — on the first of July. A few months of hard work and all the savings — big money for me at that time — for a trip to the United States. When I got to New York, I realized, that I had done everything right — and I am following the right course in life. At first, I was very enthusiastic — and there were reasons for this: global changes in life were happening before my eyes.

The blurried photograph of Vavn Dorokhin at Times Square with a lot of people.
13. 2019/07/27 — «I Have Done It, United States»: «Showed my first trip to the United States by visiting the New York City and shared my impressions thoughts about it in comparison to Russia itself and its cities — like the city I was born in, Samara.»

The thirteenth — on the twenty seventh of July. Being at a motel in New Hampshire, I posted a video of my first trip to New York. The gap between my psychological «then» and «now» states was becoming wider and wider: I expected my journey around the USA to be completely different.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin at the Hampton Beach seaside.
14. 2019/08/06 — Vavn Dorokhin — 22 23: «Theft of a hundred dollars, toxic work relationships, accessibility of the second job, bank bureaucracy… No, most importantly — total loneliness and collapse of my expectations. The best moment to share what happened with me during the first month…»

The fourteenth — on the sixth of August. The psychological state of that day was very similar to the state of the last summer — the worst summer of my life. My work in the United States revealed my psychological wounds and vulnerabilities, I was howling once in two days from the pressure exerted on me and inner experiences, and during this same moment, one person used and betrayed me, knowing about my difficult situation— the person used and betrayed me extremely cynically, knowing through what I went to become closer with him. It was difficult to recover: after what happened a year ago, I opened up to this person with great difficulty — for in general, I have not opened up to anyone since last summer. History repeated itself again — but from a different angle. I did not want to believe it to the last. The only reassurance was that, like a year ago and now, I have never done anything wrong and avenged any of them, and my attitude was serious and disinterested — me and them both know it. Therefore, they regret what they have done — and therefore they follow my life. My video story is called «22 23», because when I was twenty two, my goal was to conquer the peaks — when I become twenty three, it was time to look at myself and get rid of the habit of building illusions: they hurt.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin during the performance of the «Spring» song.
15. 2019/09/10 — Vavn Dorokhin — Spring (Live): «My latest performance of the «Spring» song at the «MoonTenStudio» recording studio made four months ago is finally available!»

The fifteenth — on the tenth of September. Four months later, I felt, that then, it was the time to share my last performance in the studio: I was ready for a new stage in my art.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin during the performance of the «Expectations» song.
16. 2019/09/16 — Vavn Dorokhin — Expectations (Live): «I recorded the live performance of my new song — «Expectations», putting and end to the psychologically very difficult period. I passed through it, became even stronger after this, and shared my feels with you — using the music and text.»

The sixteenth — on the sixteenth of September. ¿Before composing and performing a new song, I went into myself for more than a month and began to analyze the reasons for betrayals towards me: of course, it was possible to dwell on the moral point of view, but what moved the people, when they were especially cynical and heartlessly betrayed my trust? The knowledge, that I received, turned my world view on relationships upside down: I understood the causes, the consequences, and realized, that now is the time to love myself first. Starting to accept the latter, I became stronger than ever: I gained strength within myself.

The photograph of Vavn Dorokhin at the Boston Public Garden.
17. 2019/09/23 — «Between Hampton Beach and Philadelphia»: «My second — shorter, much calmer, and nature oriented — trip between the Hampton Beach and Philadelphia, during which I visited the Boston Chinatown with the Boston Public Garden and made some comparisons and thoughts about it.»

The seventeenth — on the twenty third of September. I got rid of my last experiences, turned my eyes to myself, and visited the city as the opposite one to New York — Boston. Calmness, self-confidence, and joy, that I became the blacksmith of my life.

The eighteenth — now. I want to say the following — it was an incredible period in my life, which I completed with absolute dignity. In my twenty-odd years, life presented me the «surprises», that people receive at the age of thirty and forty — but I remained true to myself and my beliefs after each of them. I did not take revenge on any of those, who betrayed me — just as I was not interested in their lifes, and my condition no longer depends on their actions: we have to pay for every decision — and I have never seen the happiness, which was build upon the unhappiness of others. To go to another person, when you have a trust from someone and you are genuinely important, is possible — you can do it secretly, or you can be more open, and they treated me both the first and the second ways, — but after leaving, here comes the disappointment — that is why they regret, that is why they follow my life, that is why they want to return everything — so that I do not know, that they are monitoring me, that they have a need for me — because I have no need for them. But I know everything — and it does not bother me. I do not know, if we meet with them again, — never say «never» — but I do not wait for these meetings and I do not hope for them. I go further — and I do, what is needed, and come what may.

I am twenty three years old now, and I turned my view to myself. I became stronger than ever: my conquest of the peaks combined with putting myself in first place, self-confidence, and independence from the opinions of others. And I know for sure — those, who will give me love, care, and warmth will be happy, because I will give them all of this in return. And even if I have a loyal and supportive person in front of me right now or… you — the person, who once betrayed my trust, and then, regretfully, began to follow my life with enviable regularity — this eighteenth story was for you.

The front photograph of shaved bald Vavn Dorokhin at the beginning of his new life.
Shaved bald me on the first day of my life — the fifth of July, 2018.

On the fifth of July, 2018, I promised myself, that there will come a time, when I share these photos with you. This moment has come.

The full-length photograph of shaved bald Vavn Dorokhin at the beginning of his new life.
Shaved bald me on the first day of my life — the fifth of July, 2018. The full-length photograph.

Now, these first eighteen stories are completed.