Now, it does not matter to me, who is it — the loyal and supportive person in front of me or… you — the person, who once betrayed my trust, and then, regretfully, began to follow my life with enviable regularity. You can unsuccessfully try to justify yourself, but I definitely know everyone, — everyone — who follows my life, and I know about you too: secrecy did not help.
From the fourteenth of November to the twenty third of September, I shared seventeen stories with you — the eighteenth will be as the ending of the most eventful period in my life — from pain to understanding.
The first story occurred on the fourteenth of November. I was preparing for this day: it was supposed to be the starting point. An hour before publication, I took a pre-bought whatman paper, a bottle of paint, and wrote the phrase, which I am now guided by — «I WANT TO LIVE». Inside, I was torning apart from pain, so I spent days and nights at work— and created a website from scratch, on which I published the first story.
The second — on the fourteenth of December. I wanted to record the video spontaneously — but placed a microphone, a guitar, and a loop machine on purpose, because I realized, that I would begin to create and perform again. The video is called «14 14», because the day of my starting point coincided with the birthday of one of the people, who betrayed me — I did not record this video for the person, as I did not follow this person’s life, but the emotional attachment was not yet broken: it was hurting every day.
The third — on the fourteenth of February. The third month gone, since I started using social networks — before that, there were breaks of a year and seven years — and I wanted to leave a mark in the history of subscribers differently — not for the sake of «likes». To do this, I published something else every time, edited, deleted everything cleanly, asked the opinion of each subscriber, analyzed it — and came to what have now and what distinguishes me from most similar authors.
The fourth — on the twentieth of February. The first song after a year of silence — it is dedicated to my acquaintances and the «friends», who used my help — because I, without understanding, allowed it. I finished the text on the tram, — where the photograph was taken from — and the whole song was recorded on one microphone. When I published the song, I shared it with everyone I could — three thousands people heard the song. And then, the person sent me a message — it was an attempt to establish communication after the betrayal of my trust. The message was prepared, edited — but I had already begun to realize my strength, and I have already been unstoppable.
The fifth — on the first of March. I was engaged in tutoring and other deeds from morning to night — without the right to rest, at the peak of opportunities. The result was a psychological time bomb. I did not want breakdowns, so I had to change something.
The sixth — on the thirteenth of March. I bought my first DSLR camera using my own money — dreams of the producing service were no longer just dreams. Then, I discovered a workshop news post with a competition opportunity from a professional video production team — and I decided to take part and do everything to win. Snow, the city center — and me with two backpacks on my back, first taking photos for four hours in a row, and then going to the students for classes. As a result, I won the competition.
The seventh — on the seventeenth of March. Impressed by an article about a baited girl who wrote a letter to Vladimir Putin, the President of the Russian Federation, I decided to recall and share my story of a public struggle for civil rights and freedoms. After everything I went through, the rage from the actions of the current Russian government transformed to a calm analysis. They know about this post — and still follow my activity. The same for me — I still do not support the current Russian government.
The eighth — on the thirteenth of April. Three months before the year after my new life, I still had a psychological breakdown. Too much pressure on myself — and a broken phone and minus weekly earnings as a result. I became aggressive again — and although I have already achieved a lot, it was time to change.
The ninth — on the fifteenth of May. Finally, I realized, what I want to do in my life — for twenty years, I tried a lot, but it was creativity with performances and producing, that determined my further development. It became even a little exciting, — am I sure of my choice, have not I been in a hurry? — but I really wanted to share my joy of discovery with everyone, which I did in my video story. It is called «15 15», because the joy of discovery came a month before my twenty third birthday: both dates are the fifteenth.
The tenth — on the twenty eighth of May. The efforts began to be justified: more and more people began to follow my publications, share their opinions with me, and thank me for them. It is a wonderful feeling, that you are doing this for good reason. ¡So I decided to thank my subscribers!
The eleventh — on the twenty ninth of June. My first trip to Moscow for two days — I had to get a visa at the US Embassy in order to go for a few months to work and travel around the United States and return. A lot of money was at stake — all of my savings — and big risks: the US Embassy representatives could refuse me. But I wanted to realize my dream at all costs, so at first, I was nervous, even despite all the preparations for interview. But I got my visa — and I am writing these lines from Philadelphia.
The twelfth — on the first of July. A few months of hard work and all the savings — big money for me at that time — for a trip to the United States. When I got to New York, I realized, that I had done everything right — and I am following the right course in life. At first, I was very enthusiastic — and there were reasons for this: global changes in life were happening before my eyes.
The thirteenth — on the twenty seventh of July. Being at a motel in New Hampshire, I posted a video of my first trip to New York. The gap between my psychological «then» and «now» states was becoming wider and wider: I expected my journey around the USA to be completely different.
The fourteenth — on the sixth of August. The psychological state of that day was very similar to the state of the last summer — the worst summer of my life. My work in the United States revealed my psychological wounds and vulnerabilities, I was howling once in two days from the pressure exerted on me and inner experiences, and during this same moment, one person used and betrayed me, knowing about my difficult situation— the person used and betrayed me extremely cynically, knowing through what I went to become closer with him. It was difficult to recover: after what happened a year ago, I opened up to this person with great difficulty — for in general, I have not opened up to anyone since last summer. History repeated itself again — but from a different angle. I did not want to believe it to the last. The only reassurance was that, like a year ago and now, I have never done anything wrong and avenged any of them, and my attitude was serious and disinterested — me and them both know it. Therefore, they regret what they have done — and therefore they follow my life. My video story is called «22 23», because when I was twenty two, my goal was to conquer the peaks — when I become twenty three, it was time to look at myself and get rid of the habit of building illusions: they hurt.
The fifteenth — on the tenth of September. Four months later, I felt, that then, it was the time to share my last performance in the studio: I was ready for a new stage in my art.
The sixteenth — on the sixteenth of September. ¿Before composing and performing a new song, I went into myself for more than a month and began to analyze the reasons for betrayals towards me: of course, it was possible to dwell on the moral point of view, but what moved the people, when they were especially cynical and heartlessly betrayed my trust? The knowledge, that I received, turned my world view on relationships upside down: I understood the causes, the consequences, and realized, that now is the time to love myself first. Starting to accept the latter, I became stronger than ever: I gained strength within myself.
The seventeenth — on the twenty third of September. I got rid of my last experiences, turned my eyes to myself, and visited the city as the opposite one to New York — Boston. Calmness, self-confidence, and joy, that I became the blacksmith of my life.
The eighteenth — now. I want to say the following — it was an incredible period in my life, which I completed with absolute dignity. In my twenty-odd years, life presented me the «surprises», that people receive at the age of thirty and forty — but I remained true to myself and my beliefs after each of them. I did not take revenge on any of those, who betrayed me — just as I was not interested in their lifes, and my condition no longer depends on their actions: we have to pay for every decision — and I have never seen the happiness, which was build upon the unhappiness of others. To go to another person, when you have a trust from someone and you are genuinely important, is possible — you can do it secretly, or you can be more open, and they treated me both the first and the second ways, — but after leaving, here comes the disappointment — that is why they regret, that is why they follow my life, that is why they want to return everything — so that I do not know, that they are monitoring me, that they have a need for me — because I have no need for them. But I know everything — and it does not bother me. I do not know, if we meet with them again, — never say «never» — but I do not wait for these meetings and I do not hope for them. I go further — and I do, what is needed, and come what may.
I am twenty three years old now, and I turned my view to myself. I became stronger than ever: my conquest of the peaks combined with putting myself in first place, self-confidence, and independence from the opinions of others. And I know for sure — those, who will give me love, care, and warmth will be happy, because I will give them all of this in return. And even if I have a loyal and supportive person in front of me right now or… you — the person, who once betrayed my trust, and then, regretfully, began to follow my life with enviable regularity — this eighteenth story was for you.
On the fifth of July, 2018, I promised myself, that there will come a time, when I share these photos with you. This moment has come.
Now, these first eighteen stories are completed.